Book 9

Daniel M.

I didn't lock my doors because the people in Ellensburg are my homeboys.

"If I die you can have all my stuff." Me. "Can I sell the Buffy books on e-bay?" Dan M.

"There are times in life when you realize you're not as high up on the Grand Nerd Scales as you thought." Me. "Yet, I wish I was." Dan M.

Do bad guys eat Pop Tarts? 'Cuz I really like Pop Tarts.

Dennis W.

The seemingly innocent can also be guilty.

Excuse me for speaking so frankly, I'm often misquoted.

Ginger R.

"Then I'd have an Ida-Ho!" Ginger. "And you're not a Ho." Me. "Not anymore, anyway." Ginger.

I resisted Gypsy's attempts to claim the chicken.

Jesse B.

Chivalry isn't dead, it's just mistaken for buffoonery.

"That was sort of a Yoda sigh." Me. "Yes, it was full of the angst of a thousand years." Jesse B.

Ben S.

I can't be opening and closing folders all day.

Kylie J.

There probably are a lot of pig tailors around because if they just wore regular pants they'd be too long.

Not that we don't have a cause, just not a very good cause.

David E-H.

Damn you, my love!

Me

I don't want anyone else thinking they're fabulous, when actually it's me.

Welcome ta Sunday School, ye bastards!!

James is only interested in what people have to say if he's the one talking.

Bad guys eat Fruit Loops!!

Rob C.

The Abydos Passion Play ran for two thousand years. It kicks Andrew Lloyd Weber's ass!

I will be talking about decorum to the point that you will wish to slap me on the head--but thou shalt not!

It's a particularly pernicious thing, imperialism.

National Day of a Dull Sense of Panic.

I reserve the right to be in this shitty mood without explaining why.

Matt S.

That's a 'pants on fire' situation.

I didn't know that, yes I did.

Book 7

Here we go...Book 7:

Daniel M:

When all else fails, play Screeching Weasel.

Do you know what will help you sleep--being in the mosh pit all night!

I'm clouded by my own ignorant radicalism.

Teddy J:

"Ted, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Kylie. "Maybe a mind." Ted. "Ok." Kylie. "Because they only speak with their hands." Ted. "Oh, a mime. I don't think mimes make that much money. They're kind of like homeless people." Kylie.

Me:

Little boys flirt with me...so do old men. It's the ones my age that I have problems with.

That's what's kept me from killing a lot of people: low blood-sugar.

If you're dating a superhero everyone pales in comparison.

Emily H:

Who doesn't want drunk German's celebrating them?

Dennis W:

Don't complain when you get something for free!

"I think it was John who brought up necrophilia..." Dennis. "It wasn't me!" John. "Oh pardon, It wasn't you who brought it up, but it was you who knew how to spell it." Dennis

Rob C:

We prepare for the big crises, but it's the little fears that will break us down.

Ginger R:

He kind of took up residence in my head.

"Ginger, I need to take my brain out for a vacation." Me. "How are you going to do that?" Ginger. "Have you got on of those pumpkin scrapers?" Me. "No, but do you know what I do have: a melon-baller!" Ginger

You go, Buddha!

I want to be the Secretary of Cookies.

Ben S:

2,001 things a drunk slut should do before she dies!

I've been wanting to hear this story forever!

I'm gonna be a really good doctor...not one of those bad doctors who kill people.

Al:

"Hey, don't do that I might lose a hand!" Mad guy. "Well, I didn't do anything and did you stop to think you might hurt my feelings, you lousy bastard." Al.