hello...welcome to Book 12
Sally E-H.
Apparently it's "Sings just for the band." I always thought it was "seamstress for the band" which makes sense because it's Elton John.
Let your enormous, hairy thighs keep you warm!
Rob C.
They are very articulate about their inability to get it together.
Otters are not people.
Computer analysts are extremely charismatic people.
Many things suck. Paris Hilton sucks. Therefore all things are sucked by Paris Hilton.
Casey D.
I only remember one day in sixth grade and a little bit of yesterday!
Me
A girl falls in love with a vampire and he falls in love with her. He's gorgeous. He's romantic. He does everything right and the right speed to make a relationship. Then they go on great adventures. So, aside from the fac that he's a vampire, it's total fiction.
I wish real people would like me.
No one should ever see their teacher's falsies.
I think I have a letter E up my nose.
I'm so tired everything smells like lilacs.
The vampires you sent were delicious!
Tonight the role of coffee will be played by Pepsi
Kylie
"Hey there, Sassy!" Me. "Quatch?" Kylie
Emily H.
I don't have hepatitis, I'm just clean! (Moscow water is often quite yellow).
I really should be doing laundry right now--not going to the mall. I hate myself! I hate myself!!
Daniel M.
Leader I will not be.
Once you stop caring about stuff it gets a whole lot easier.
Ben S.
It just proves how much God loves you and isn't really worried about the rest of us.
Showing posts with label Kylie J.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kylie J.. Show all posts
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Book 11
Book 11
Terry C.
The sun never sets on badass!
I made THIS!!
Ed B.
I've got brain freeze!! I've forgotten the protocol for drinking a slushy!
Kylie J.
Where did you grow up--backwards emphasis land?
I don't want to have to corral my bazongas into a stupidass orange halter top!!
Beer and Jesus, they go hand in hand.
I'll just imagine I'm wallpaper.
Not only am I old, but I'm cheap too!
I can be sad that a mime died!!
"Admit it, you love being in Maaike-land!" Me. "Yes, it's just like Disneyland...if Disneyland was in a psych ward!" Kylie.
Daniel, the other white friend.
Me
This is ranking very high on the seven levels of suck.
I guess it's true what they say, unlucky in love, lucky in gluesticks.
I'm a bunny with a swingset!
Espresso tastes like Hanukkah!
Randy D.
I personally believe that the first few centuries of the afterlife will be spent in deep and intensive therapy to help us get over the trauma of life. I just hope my insurance covers it.
Sally E-H.
Bless his cranky, anal, uncommunicative heart!
Fascists come in all different flavors.
Emily H.
We've got a 'so-what' factor.
Rose K.
The only scientific thing about ti was that they were scientists.
Subtext will bite you in the ass every time.
I will not be satiated by your placebo, you heartless bitch!
David E-H.
He has written what is technically known as a butt-load of plays.
Elizabeth S.
Heathen, mouth-breathing, unwashed freshmen!
Daniel M.
How'd you make the squirrel mad?
You'll probably like it too, because it has to do with poo.
The campus looks so different when you're not staring at the ground.
Terry C.
The sun never sets on badass!
I made THIS!!
Ed B.
I've got brain freeze!! I've forgotten the protocol for drinking a slushy!
Kylie J.
Where did you grow up--backwards emphasis land?
I don't want to have to corral my bazongas into a stupidass orange halter top!!
Beer and Jesus, they go hand in hand.
I'll just imagine I'm wallpaper.
Not only am I old, but I'm cheap too!
I can be sad that a mime died!!
"Admit it, you love being in Maaike-land!" Me. "Yes, it's just like Disneyland...if Disneyland was in a psych ward!" Kylie.
Daniel, the other white friend.
Me
This is ranking very high on the seven levels of suck.
I guess it's true what they say, unlucky in love, lucky in gluesticks.
I'm a bunny with a swingset!
Espresso tastes like Hanukkah!
Randy D.
I personally believe that the first few centuries of the afterlife will be spent in deep and intensive therapy to help us get over the trauma of life. I just hope my insurance covers it.
Sally E-H.
Bless his cranky, anal, uncommunicative heart!
Fascists come in all different flavors.
Emily H.
We've got a 'so-what' factor.
Rose K.
The only scientific thing about ti was that they were scientists.
Subtext will bite you in the ass every time.
I will not be satiated by your placebo, you heartless bitch!
David E-H.
He has written what is technically known as a butt-load of plays.
Elizabeth S.
Heathen, mouth-breathing, unwashed freshmen!
Daniel M.
How'd you make the squirrel mad?
You'll probably like it too, because it has to do with poo.
The campus looks so different when you're not staring at the ground.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Book 10
Book 10--I list the people in the order in which they are quoted in my book.
Daniel M.
I was really excited about the salad-spinner, too! You should have seen this thing!
This song's faster so you might want to get up and mosh.
That's where I was supposed to start but didn't, obviously.
I need to import some Venezuelan chicken.
"Easy there, Mr. Destructo. Or is it Captain Destructo?" Me. "Actually, it's El Capitan!"
That's what you get for messing with the Shark Captain!
Instead of having a hand with a line through it they should have a sticker that reads: Caution Hella Fucking Hot!
This is a dramatic reenactment of a rather dramatic lip-syncing.
We're coming up on Hoot's you want to stop in for some buffalo wings?
I'm trying to think of ways you could be worth more...you probably have some harvest-able organs.
Rob C.
I have so many levels of hate for you right now.
It says something about your nature if you have adhesive spit.
I forgot to shave today and it makes me feel mean.
There's a haphazard feeling to the floating baby people.
The extent of my mental Rolodex will be used!
We engage in war & therapy.
Have you ever heard the phrase 'to be used against you in a court of law'?
Kylie J.
I'd only call you lizard-woman out of love.
You're a veggie-lover lover.
someone is calling you a "stupidass" in their head right now.
"I love how loudly chips crunch in my head!" Me. "Do they drown out the voices?" Kylie
"Bless you." Me. "I didn't sneeze." Kylie. "I didn't bless you." Me. "Well then, bless you, too!" Kylie
Tell Daniel to take care of you or I'll kick his non-existent butt!
Ginger R.
I don't know, but I Googled one in Japan.
David E-H
But I've had a good week, so shut the hell up.
She was skipping towards her dark place.
"David, did you hurt yourself?" Me. "I'm turning 40 in a week, of course I hurt myself." David
Randy D.
"I'm not looking for a 'half,' I'm looking for a 'whole'." Me. "Just make sure it's not an asshole." Randy.
What--so your bra has to align with the north star?
I had a dream about Albert, but the part of Albert was being played by Denzel Washington.
Ben S.
God's up there right now, "I would strike her down but...gosh, I lover her!"
Brad C.
I was heading into surgery the other day and Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" was playing.
Me
"I'm detecting a hint of sarcasm." Kylie. "Only a hint? Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough." Me
"Where do you people come from?" Kylie. "From the land of watching movies that came out after we were born." Me.
I can't hit him, he looks like Jesus!
Daniel M.
I was really excited about the salad-spinner, too! You should have seen this thing!
This song's faster so you might want to get up and mosh.
That's where I was supposed to start but didn't, obviously.
I need to import some Venezuelan chicken.
"Easy there, Mr. Destructo. Or is it Captain Destructo?" Me. "Actually, it's El Capitan!"
That's what you get for messing with the Shark Captain!
Instead of having a hand with a line through it they should have a sticker that reads: Caution Hella Fucking Hot!
This is a dramatic reenactment of a rather dramatic lip-syncing.
We're coming up on Hoot's you want to stop in for some buffalo wings?
I'm trying to think of ways you could be worth more...you probably have some harvest-able organs.
Rob C.
I have so many levels of hate for you right now.
It says something about your nature if you have adhesive spit.
I forgot to shave today and it makes me feel mean.
There's a haphazard feeling to the floating baby people.
The extent of my mental Rolodex will be used!
We engage in war & therapy.
Have you ever heard the phrase 'to be used against you in a court of law'?
Kylie J.
I'd only call you lizard-woman out of love.
You're a veggie-lover lover.
someone is calling you a "stupidass" in their head right now.
"I love how loudly chips crunch in my head!" Me. "Do they drown out the voices?" Kylie
"Bless you." Me. "I didn't sneeze." Kylie. "I didn't bless you." Me. "Well then, bless you, too!" Kylie
Tell Daniel to take care of you or I'll kick his non-existent butt!
Ginger R.
I don't know, but I Googled one in Japan.
David E-H
But I've had a good week, so shut the hell up.
She was skipping towards her dark place.
"David, did you hurt yourself?" Me. "I'm turning 40 in a week, of course I hurt myself." David
Randy D.
"I'm not looking for a 'half,' I'm looking for a 'whole'." Me. "Just make sure it's not an asshole." Randy.
What--so your bra has to align with the north star?
I had a dream about Albert, but the part of Albert was being played by Denzel Washington.
Ben S.
God's up there right now, "I would strike her down but...gosh, I lover her!"
Brad C.
I was heading into surgery the other day and Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" was playing.
Me
"I'm detecting a hint of sarcasm." Kylie. "Only a hint? Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough." Me
"Where do you people come from?" Kylie. "From the land of watching movies that came out after we were born." Me.
I can't hit him, he looks like Jesus!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Book 9
Daniel M.
I didn't lock my doors because the people in Ellensburg are my homeboys.
"If I die you can have all my stuff." Me. "Can I sell the Buffy books on e-bay?" Dan M.
"There are times in life when you realize you're not as high up on the Grand Nerd Scales as you thought." Me. "Yet, I wish I was." Dan M.
Do bad guys eat Pop Tarts? 'Cuz I really like Pop Tarts.
Dennis W.
The seemingly innocent can also be guilty.
Excuse me for speaking so frankly, I'm often misquoted.
Ginger R.
"Then I'd have an Ida-Ho!" Ginger. "And you're not a Ho." Me. "Not anymore, anyway." Ginger.
I resisted Gypsy's attempts to claim the chicken.
Jesse B.
Chivalry isn't dead, it's just mistaken for buffoonery.
"That was sort of a Yoda sigh." Me. "Yes, it was full of the angst of a thousand years." Jesse B.
Ben S.
I can't be opening and closing folders all day.
Kylie J.
There probably are a lot of pig tailors around because if they just wore regular pants they'd be too long.
Not that we don't have a cause, just not a very good cause.
David E-H.
Damn you, my love!
Me
I don't want anyone else thinking they're fabulous, when actually it's me.
Welcome ta Sunday School, ye bastards!!
James is only interested in what people have to say if he's the one talking.
Bad guys eat Fruit Loops!!
Rob C.
The Abydos Passion Play ran for two thousand years. It kicks Andrew Lloyd Weber's ass!
I will be talking about decorum to the point that you will wish to slap me on the head--but thou shalt not!
It's a particularly pernicious thing, imperialism.
National Day of a Dull Sense of Panic.
I reserve the right to be in this shitty mood without explaining why.
Matt S.
That's a 'pants on fire' situation.
I didn't know that, yes I did.
I didn't lock my doors because the people in Ellensburg are my homeboys.
"If I die you can have all my stuff." Me. "Can I sell the Buffy books on e-bay?" Dan M.
"There are times in life when you realize you're not as high up on the Grand Nerd Scales as you thought." Me. "Yet, I wish I was." Dan M.
Do bad guys eat Pop Tarts? 'Cuz I really like Pop Tarts.
Dennis W.
The seemingly innocent can also be guilty.
Excuse me for speaking so frankly, I'm often misquoted.
Ginger R.
"Then I'd have an Ida-Ho!" Ginger. "And you're not a Ho." Me. "Not anymore, anyway." Ginger.
I resisted Gypsy's attempts to claim the chicken.
Jesse B.
Chivalry isn't dead, it's just mistaken for buffoonery.
"That was sort of a Yoda sigh." Me. "Yes, it was full of the angst of a thousand years." Jesse B.
Ben S.
I can't be opening and closing folders all day.
Kylie J.
There probably are a lot of pig tailors around because if they just wore regular pants they'd be too long.
Not that we don't have a cause, just not a very good cause.
David E-H.
Damn you, my love!
Me
I don't want anyone else thinking they're fabulous, when actually it's me.
Welcome ta Sunday School, ye bastards!!
James is only interested in what people have to say if he's the one talking.
Bad guys eat Fruit Loops!!
Rob C.
The Abydos Passion Play ran for two thousand years. It kicks Andrew Lloyd Weber's ass!
I will be talking about decorum to the point that you will wish to slap me on the head--but thou shalt not!
It's a particularly pernicious thing, imperialism.
National Day of a Dull Sense of Panic.
I reserve the right to be in this shitty mood without explaining why.
Matt S.
That's a 'pants on fire' situation.
I didn't know that, yes I did.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Book 6
Here is book 6
David E-H
Hit the deck! That ham sandwich is gonna blow!!
Hornby would make the argument...and since he's not here, I'll do it for him...
Me
Mango laundry soap? How do you not eat your clothes!
"Take this pizza with you." Ginger. "I really hate cold pizza" Me. "What about your roommates?" Ginger. "I hate them, too." Me.
The sound of shaken fairies.
I wish I had a mind that thought is lines instead of swirlyques.
I'm debating whether or not to keep Petey's legs.
Kylie J.
Plastic ass can? What? Is it a chair? Like a bucket seat?
"I don't want to be a hippogryph!" Teddy "Too much Harry Potter, not enough church." Kylie
Rob C.
If you'll look here I think you'll see that there is some suspicious leotard action going on.
In honor of 'Intimate Apparel' I am wearing lace undies.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hope that really happens.
I know, you think I'm annoying...it's in my nature.
Isn't there a sort of disconnect between your passion to destroy a country and your inability to find it on a map?
We were all on Prozac that semester...and some of us never got off.
So, we killed him. But that's not important and I want you to forget that fact.
Don't take this the wrong way, but, you sick bitch!
Paul K.
"Nellie is now the director. I am the female actor." Paul. "You'll have to shave." Nellie. "No. Russian." Paul
Confucius is a silly head.
Here's a far-fetched...and really bad idea.
Ginger R.
I trump you! I'm in line to die!
If a disaster comes, I'm gonna eat my dog.
"The bathroom smells like a wet poodle!" Me. "A DEAD wet poodle!" Ginger
Don't come to my house!!
Amy S.
Don't admire my sacrilege!
Do I have something on my philtrum? Do I have a philtrum?
Stephen H.
This is a rock? Where do we commonly find rocks?
A sturdy dirt clod and a soft rock are pretty much the same thing.
Landslides, and the prevention thereof.
What happened and how do they feel? In geology no one cares how they feel. The fact that they're there is incidental.
"A university course in stealing and thievery...that would be cool." Me. "Well, the UI does have the college of Law." Stephen
I'm allergic to myself and I can't stand to be confined like that!
Elizabeth S.
Crap on a stick!
They're about as similar as bananas and cheese.
Ben S.
Moths are butterflies ugly cousins. Ben. "Yeah, but do your ugly cousins eat your clothes?" Jade. "Well, yea." Ben.
Every time she kills me I get dead!
What does the acronym ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM stand for?
"People like me. I don't know why." Me. "I can name several reasons...you're fun...well, that's about it." Ben
Jade S.
Ooo...no one likes you.
I'm paying attention...I'm just not smart.
Daniel M.
Ted Nugent talks that way even when buying socks.
Sherri D.
"We just get worried when we can't get a hold of you." Chris. "Did you think I was dead in the back yard?" Mom. "No, Albert checked the back yard." Sherri.
David E-H
Hit the deck! That ham sandwich is gonna blow!!
Hornby would make the argument...and since he's not here, I'll do it for him...
Me
Mango laundry soap? How do you not eat your clothes!
"Take this pizza with you." Ginger. "I really hate cold pizza" Me. "What about your roommates?" Ginger. "I hate them, too." Me.
The sound of shaken fairies.
I wish I had a mind that thought is lines instead of swirlyques.
I'm debating whether or not to keep Petey's legs.
Kylie J.
Plastic ass can? What? Is it a chair? Like a bucket seat?
"I don't want to be a hippogryph!" Teddy "Too much Harry Potter, not enough church." Kylie
Rob C.
If you'll look here I think you'll see that there is some suspicious leotard action going on.
In honor of 'Intimate Apparel' I am wearing lace undies.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hope that really happens.
I know, you think I'm annoying...it's in my nature.
Isn't there a sort of disconnect between your passion to destroy a country and your inability to find it on a map?
We were all on Prozac that semester...and some of us never got off.
So, we killed him. But that's not important and I want you to forget that fact.
Don't take this the wrong way, but, you sick bitch!
Paul K.
"Nellie is now the director. I am the female actor." Paul. "You'll have to shave." Nellie. "No. Russian." Paul
Confucius is a silly head.
Here's a far-fetched...and really bad idea.
Ginger R.
I trump you! I'm in line to die!
If a disaster comes, I'm gonna eat my dog.
"The bathroom smells like a wet poodle!" Me. "A DEAD wet poodle!" Ginger
Don't come to my house!!
Amy S.
Don't admire my sacrilege!
Do I have something on my philtrum? Do I have a philtrum?
Stephen H.
This is a rock? Where do we commonly find rocks?
A sturdy dirt clod and a soft rock are pretty much the same thing.
Landslides, and the prevention thereof.
What happened and how do they feel? In geology no one cares how they feel. The fact that they're there is incidental.
"A university course in stealing and thievery...that would be cool." Me. "Well, the UI does have the college of Law." Stephen
I'm allergic to myself and I can't stand to be confined like that!
Elizabeth S.
Crap on a stick!
They're about as similar as bananas and cheese.
Ben S.
Moths are butterflies ugly cousins. Ben. "Yeah, but do your ugly cousins eat your clothes?" Jade. "Well, yea." Ben.
Every time she kills me I get dead!
What does the acronym ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM stand for?
"People like me. I don't know why." Me. "I can name several reasons...you're fun...well, that's about it." Ben
Jade S.
Ooo...no one likes you.
I'm paying attention...I'm just not smart.
Daniel M.
Ted Nugent talks that way even when buying socks.
Sherri D.
"We just get worried when we can't get a hold of you." Chris. "Did you think I was dead in the back yard?" Mom. "No, Albert checked the back yard." Sherri.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Book 3
Dang...book three doesn't have dates either.
This one is going to be done a little differently then, I'll put the author's name once and all their quotes after...saving me from writing each person's name over and over.
Elizabeth S.
"We let the cute animals live, I mean the cows we just say 'get your ass in the truck-you're gonna be a baseball glove!"
"Some damn vegan stole my grandpa!"
"I don't want to die on the tilt-a-whirl!"
"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck yourself?"
"We need a place for the fangs, duh!"
"I had to make sure we had an even number [of gummy bears] so I ate one in the hallway."
"I keep you around because you smell better than most monkeys."
"My mother taught me not to lie too much."
"I'd better google a picture of the pope!"
"She's running a slight fever, or else she's just weird."
"I'm not weird, I'm gifted!"
"Funny like 'ha-ha' or funny like 'look that man's having a heart attack."
"Yeah, I was turning the wheel while she worked the pedals and played the flute."
"But I'm so cute!" Me "Compared to what?" Elizabeth S.
"Benefits include Mental, Dental and 401K."
"Having goals in life is sexy. Having that goal be 'world domination' is even sexier."
"I'm not surprised that people drop out of school, become bums and eventually end up killing themselves."
"I'd be a bad-ass-asauras...I'd be like 'hey teranadon, what you lookin' at!"
"I find that kind of thing very taxing." E.S. "What, kindness?" Me "Yeah." E.S.
"Different milk! I thought you meant goat, cow & yak! Fuck that!"
"Hello, Happy Hills? I need you to come for a pick up...she's clearly delusional."
"I'd be sad if it were you, but I'd still laugh."
"I hear Ebola's not so bad."
"It smells like something's on fire." Me "It better not be the building because I don't feel like evacuating."
"Hello Maaike, I'm Mr. Spoon! I'm here to cut your eyes out!"
"Can't they have more friendly death-tolling bells? It's like ding-dong: you're gonna die!"
"Note to self: Kill Maaike sooner...I am sick of her flaunting her superior tacos in my face...oh, and buy some Swedish fish."
"It's like passover...only not Jewish."
"Uri and Pablo are plotting against you." ES "What is this...a Spanish-Russian conspiracy?" Me "Don't forget Wong and Pierre." ES
Lucia C.
"Did you put the dimensions of Aubrey's ass in there?"
"I'm doing embroidery for revenge."
Jeff B.
"You'll be ok if you don't gnaw on the window sills."
"I've always enjoyed my organ."
"I like to get as close to myself as possible." Jeff "Yes, we know." Christina C.
Aubrey L-Y
"Her ass is a 10...on the Richter scale!"
"I flung a piece of sausage at the Jewish guy and he ducked and screamed "ah! Devil's meat!'."
"They're only your friends if they want to play with your bat and ball."
Kylie J.
"I'm afraid of heights! I don't even like to stand up!"
Teddy J.
"I forgot for a minute how pants worked."
Idaho State Safety Inspector
"Did you know the stuff in your first aid kit expired 14 years ago?"
Caleb T.
"It's not stealing until a jury of 12 convicts and even then it can still be appealed."
Jade S.
"I hope if we resort to eating each other it's not for dessert."
"God sent out his holiday newsletter."
"If anybody dies today, I'll be pissed!"
Adam S.
"God sent me this beautiful bunt cake. I'm supposed to share with everyone."
Andi
"Who's the guy in the tall hat? Ronald Regan?" Andi "What kind of tard are you?" Elizabeth S.
"If I had to think before I spoke I'd never get to talk again!"
"I have no problem with public speaking...it's the shutting up part that gives me trouble."
Me
"I'm always getting thrown into bottomless pits!"
"I like you like I like an embarrassing rash."
"I need a Yiddish spell checker."
"And I was feeling all self-esteemy and everything."
Christina C.
"I've known Maaike for two years and I've only seen her cry once." "Sweet! If something happens to you, I'm dating her!" Nathan T.
Mandy M.
"I have hundreds of items in my freezer... all of which I will tell you about right now."
Ben S.
"I don't need to ask Maaike; she loves me, she'll let me do anything."
Joe M.
"You and your stupid happiness!"
"It's kind of sad when your own eyes glaze over when you're talking to yourself."
"Nothing says 'I love you' like chewing on your eyeball."
Katie W.
"Nothing's worse than finding a redneck in a cave."
"I can come down here, watch people make out...feel all lonely inside."
Rob C.
"It's just a part of me dying inside...that's all."
"'My computer crashed' is the 20th century version of 'my dog ate it.'"
"Talk to me as you slip down the slope...not when you hit the bottom."
"I've upped my blood pressure medication...so there should be no beatings...hmmm...hmmm...there should be no beatings."
"We are the avant garde...we are the front...we're cool."
"There are many, many Shakespeare festivals, but no Marlowe festivals."
"It would be like our children's children's children taking all they know about us from a fragment of the Declaration of Independence, some letters from Jefferson, some episodes of "Friends" and a receipt from Shopko!"
"Yet another reason not to go to jail."
"They think Noah's a rap artist."
"That's actual math. The 15 potato rule."
"They'll put heads on pikes!" Rob. "And enlightened things like that." Brian "I, only, am allowed to make the jokes, Brian." Rob.
"Morose Chekovian Dipshits."
"The Greeks designed LAX--the book doesn't even mention it. But I...I know."
"I think since we know Oedipus, we can say [Hurricane Katrina] is [Bush's] fault."
This one is going to be done a little differently then, I'll put the author's name once and all their quotes after...saving me from writing each person's name over and over.
Elizabeth S.
"We let the cute animals live, I mean the cows we just say 'get your ass in the truck-you're gonna be a baseball glove!"
"Some damn vegan stole my grandpa!"
"I don't want to die on the tilt-a-whirl!"
"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck yourself?"
"We need a place for the fangs, duh!"
"I had to make sure we had an even number [of gummy bears] so I ate one in the hallway."
"I keep you around because you smell better than most monkeys."
"My mother taught me not to lie too much."
"I'd better google a picture of the pope!"
"She's running a slight fever, or else she's just weird."
"I'm not weird, I'm gifted!"
"Funny like 'ha-ha' or funny like 'look that man's having a heart attack."
"Yeah, I was turning the wheel while she worked the pedals and played the flute."
"But I'm so cute!" Me "Compared to what?" Elizabeth S.
"Benefits include Mental, Dental and 401K."
"Having goals in life is sexy. Having that goal be 'world domination' is even sexier."
"I'm not surprised that people drop out of school, become bums and eventually end up killing themselves."
"I'd be a bad-ass-asauras...I'd be like 'hey teranadon, what you lookin' at!"
"I find that kind of thing very taxing." E.S. "What, kindness?" Me "Yeah." E.S.
"Different milk! I thought you meant goat, cow & yak! Fuck that!"
"Hello, Happy Hills? I need you to come for a pick up...she's clearly delusional."
"I'd be sad if it were you, but I'd still laugh."
"I hear Ebola's not so bad."
"It smells like something's on fire." Me "It better not be the building because I don't feel like evacuating."
"Hello Maaike, I'm Mr. Spoon! I'm here to cut your eyes out!"
"Can't they have more friendly death-tolling bells? It's like ding-dong: you're gonna die!"
"Note to self: Kill Maaike sooner...I am sick of her flaunting her superior tacos in my face...oh, and buy some Swedish fish."
"It's like passover...only not Jewish."
"Uri and Pablo are plotting against you." ES "What is this...a Spanish-Russian conspiracy?" Me "Don't forget Wong and Pierre." ES
Lucia C.
"Did you put the dimensions of Aubrey's ass in there?"
"I'm doing embroidery for revenge."
Jeff B.
"You'll be ok if you don't gnaw on the window sills."
"I've always enjoyed my organ."
"I like to get as close to myself as possible." Jeff "Yes, we know." Christina C.
Aubrey L-Y
"Her ass is a 10...on the Richter scale!"
"I flung a piece of sausage at the Jewish guy and he ducked and screamed "ah! Devil's meat!'."
"They're only your friends if they want to play with your bat and ball."
Kylie J.
"I'm afraid of heights! I don't even like to stand up!"
Teddy J.
"I forgot for a minute how pants worked."
Idaho State Safety Inspector
"Did you know the stuff in your first aid kit expired 14 years ago?"
Caleb T.
"It's not stealing until a jury of 12 convicts and even then it can still be appealed."
Jade S.
"I hope if we resort to eating each other it's not for dessert."
"God sent out his holiday newsletter."
"If anybody dies today, I'll be pissed!"
Adam S.
"God sent me this beautiful bunt cake. I'm supposed to share with everyone."
Andi
"Who's the guy in the tall hat? Ronald Regan?" Andi "What kind of tard are you?" Elizabeth S.
"If I had to think before I spoke I'd never get to talk again!"
"I have no problem with public speaking...it's the shutting up part that gives me trouble."
Me
"I'm always getting thrown into bottomless pits!"
"I like you like I like an embarrassing rash."
"I need a Yiddish spell checker."
"And I was feeling all self-esteemy and everything."
Christina C.
"I've known Maaike for two years and I've only seen her cry once." "Sweet! If something happens to you, I'm dating her!" Nathan T.
Mandy M.
"I have hundreds of items in my freezer... all of which I will tell you about right now."
Ben S.
"I don't need to ask Maaike; she loves me, she'll let me do anything."
Joe M.
"You and your stupid happiness!"
"It's kind of sad when your own eyes glaze over when you're talking to yourself."
"Nothing says 'I love you' like chewing on your eyeball."
Katie W.
"Nothing's worse than finding a redneck in a cave."
"I can come down here, watch people make out...feel all lonely inside."
Rob C.
"It's just a part of me dying inside...that's all."
"'My computer crashed' is the 20th century version of 'my dog ate it.'"
"Talk to me as you slip down the slope...not when you hit the bottom."
"I've upped my blood pressure medication...so there should be no beatings...hmmm...hmmm...there should be no beatings."
"We are the avant garde...we are the front...we're cool."
"There are many, many Shakespeare festivals, but no Marlowe festivals."
"It would be like our children's children's children taking all they know about us from a fragment of the Declaration of Independence, some letters from Jefferson, some episodes of "Friends" and a receipt from Shopko!"
"Yet another reason not to go to jail."
"They think Noah's a rap artist."
"That's actual math. The 15 potato rule."
"They'll put heads on pikes!" Rob. "And enlightened things like that." Brian "I, only, am allowed to make the jokes, Brian." Rob.
"Morose Chekovian Dipshits."
"The Greeks designed LAX--the book doesn't even mention it. But I...I know."
"I think since we know Oedipus, we can say [Hurricane Katrina] is [Bush's] fault."
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