Book 15

Here's book 15. That means I'm up to date. Book 16 is the first entry.

ME

I understand the inner workings of the kitty mind.

It's hard to talk to someone who still has hope.

I have a whole frog full of change!

"If 'ass' comes at the beginning of an insult it's a swearword, if it comes at the end, it's not." Me. "When is it a compliment?" Marie M. "When it's preceded by the word 'nice'." Me.

Daniel M.

No matter how much I suck, I'm still pretty awesome.

I can't say that I'd really complain about bosoms all around my head.

I think I just accidentally took a picture of my crotch.

You can't just say the Pujols.

"I think I interrupted your baseball watching." Dan. "It's okay, I got to see Pujols." Me. "And all the little Pujols." Dan

"I get scared of the pop up balls and close my eyes." Me. "That contradicts the advice of "keep you eyes on the ball'." Dan

Mom

"You get in an accident and they up your rate!" Randy "Rate is 'butt' in Dutch." Mom

"I don't want to go to church today." Me. "Why, didn't you sleep well?" Mom. "No, I slept fine." Me. "Then I have no sympathy for you." Mom. "But I have sympathy for you!" Me. "Yeah, but I'm old." Mom

Randy D.

Be peaceful or I'll kick your ass!

Emily H.

It's not their fault they don't have sphincters!

Lewie H.

Sounds like something bad is going to happen on the morrow.

Dan's night isn't complete because he hasn't had bosoms around his head.

After dinner I had three feet of goodness in my intestines.

Flipper got all the love anyone could ever want!

Marie M.

I guess he's the go-to guy for bringing suspenders back into style.

Chris H.

For sale: three-legged cat, slightly used.

Dave C.

Jared, that smaller cast makes you look more slender.

"Women giggle. What do men do?" Me. "We chuckle." Dave. "Who chortles?" Me. "Fat men." Dave

How was the wagon ride, junior?

Book 13

Book 13 is pretty small...

Mom

"Hey, Mom. Can I have some ice cream?" Me. "Well, I don't see why not." Mom

"Mom, I'm hungry but I don't want to make any food." Me. "The go outside and look for some manna from heaven." Mom

Daniel M.

Shh...I'm going to have to take you out into the hall.

Remember, even if you do get hit by one of the pitches it won't hurt very bad and you'll be ok.

Take it easy...and if it's easy take it twice.

That's just how life is and it's gonna suck forever.

Well...you're going to be miserable your whole life anyway, but...

Sometimes I don't have a very pleasant face. I mean a very pleasant look on my face.

Me

If you were a giant rat and had a mohawk, what color would it be?

All my heroes turned into humans this year.

Emotion is my palette and I paint myself everyday.

I really miss the old days...you know, back when love existed.

Clouds don't make me sad. The chemical imbalances in my brain make me sad, but clouds are fine.

If I find out that my entire existence is the crazed imaginings of a worried mind I'll be pissed.


Ben S.

She's legally a midget in 49 states!

It's not that we don't care, it's just not interesting.

Kurt Q.

I'm going to do this in Valley Girl Speech, but bear with me, I'm not a native speaker.

Do you ever have one of those mornings when you slowly realize what a mess you're in?

I just thought Sarah Palin sounded like a snarky hockey mom.

The best transitive verbs are violent.

"What's that word? For an animal skin?" Kurt. "Pelt." Lucas. "Yeah, that's right. If Sarah Palin were here she could tell us." Kurt.

Five years from now you probably won't remember any old English cases and you'll probably do fine in life.

Thomas M.

No...you really don't want the Lord to show you a sign.

Emily H.

I'm all for polygamy as long as it's same sex.

Randy D.

"Himmelshpak? What kind of name is that?" Chris. "Ah, he's a Vulcan mohel." Randy.

Rob C.

It's a real pain in the ass when you try to kill yourself and fall in love at the same time.

You know how you can be feckless--can you be 'fecked'? That's how I'm feeling: a low-grade feck.

December 2009

"Kitty, don't play with matches."--Me

"Maaike Grinchstein."--Anthony

"None of us are really that cute."--Arlene

"Boobs aren't just for girls any more."--Beth

"I'm just sitting here thinking, 'Why do I suck?'"--Mom

November 2009

"Hey! There's someone here older than us!"--Arlene

"A biscotti wielding madman!"--Me

"We could play Monopoly with Onion Face."--Roy

"Yeah, a duel sounds good...especially if it were back to back and ten paces...and you were both perfect shots."--Mom

"We're two old broads and we don't have time to argue!"--Sherri

"That makes my nipples sore just thinking about it."--Al