Book 15

Here's book 15. That means I'm up to date. Book 16 is the first entry.

ME

I understand the inner workings of the kitty mind.

It's hard to talk to someone who still has hope.

I have a whole frog full of change!

"If 'ass' comes at the beginning of an insult it's a swearword, if it comes at the end, it's not." Me. "When is it a compliment?" Marie M. "When it's preceded by the word 'nice'." Me.

Daniel M.

No matter how much I suck, I'm still pretty awesome.

I can't say that I'd really complain about bosoms all around my head.

I think I just accidentally took a picture of my crotch.

You can't just say the Pujols.

"I think I interrupted your baseball watching." Dan. "It's okay, I got to see Pujols." Me. "And all the little Pujols." Dan

"I get scared of the pop up balls and close my eyes." Me. "That contradicts the advice of "keep you eyes on the ball'." Dan

Mom

"You get in an accident and they up your rate!" Randy "Rate is 'butt' in Dutch." Mom

"I don't want to go to church today." Me. "Why, didn't you sleep well?" Mom. "No, I slept fine." Me. "Then I have no sympathy for you." Mom. "But I have sympathy for you!" Me. "Yeah, but I'm old." Mom

Randy D.

Be peaceful or I'll kick your ass!

Emily H.

It's not their fault they don't have sphincters!

Lewie H.

Sounds like something bad is going to happen on the morrow.

Dan's night isn't complete because he hasn't had bosoms around his head.

After dinner I had three feet of goodness in my intestines.

Flipper got all the love anyone could ever want!

Marie M.

I guess he's the go-to guy for bringing suspenders back into style.

Chris H.

For sale: three-legged cat, slightly used.

Dave C.

Jared, that smaller cast makes you look more slender.

"Women giggle. What do men do?" Me. "We chuckle." Dave. "Who chortles?" Me. "Fat men." Dave

How was the wagon ride, junior?

Book 14

Book 14...almost up to date!

Kurt Q.

When I was five I threw my sister's sock monek in the toilet. She was three. It was a very traumatic experience for both of us.

I'm just highlighting it for your supreme edification.

Stephen B.

My chickens can go & do whatever--they have a great social life.

If you as a fish, "do you know your momma?" they don't.

Randy D.

That sounds like something Maaike would say.

Me

I'm very funny. I enjoy me.

When it comes to proving my point, I don't need reality.

Daniel M.

I'm going to give you a hug because you're awesome.

I don't know if I'm humble so much as I just have really low self-esteem.

Optimism isn't as humorous as you'd think.

"God can hear you singing." Me. "Really? I wasn't sure any sound was coming out." Dan.

Book 13

Book 13 is pretty small...

Mom

"Hey, Mom. Can I have some ice cream?" Me. "Well, I don't see why not." Mom

"Mom, I'm hungry but I don't want to make any food." Me. "The go outside and look for some manna from heaven." Mom

Daniel M.

Shh...I'm going to have to take you out into the hall.

Remember, even if you do get hit by one of the pitches it won't hurt very bad and you'll be ok.

Take it easy...and if it's easy take it twice.

That's just how life is and it's gonna suck forever.

Well...you're going to be miserable your whole life anyway, but...

Sometimes I don't have a very pleasant face. I mean a very pleasant look on my face.

Me

If you were a giant rat and had a mohawk, what color would it be?

All my heroes turned into humans this year.

Emotion is my palette and I paint myself everyday.

I really miss the old days...you know, back when love existed.

Clouds don't make me sad. The chemical imbalances in my brain make me sad, but clouds are fine.

If I find out that my entire existence is the crazed imaginings of a worried mind I'll be pissed.


Ben S.

She's legally a midget in 49 states!

It's not that we don't care, it's just not interesting.

Kurt Q.

I'm going to do this in Valley Girl Speech, but bear with me, I'm not a native speaker.

Do you ever have one of those mornings when you slowly realize what a mess you're in?

I just thought Sarah Palin sounded like a snarky hockey mom.

The best transitive verbs are violent.

"What's that word? For an animal skin?" Kurt. "Pelt." Lucas. "Yeah, that's right. If Sarah Palin were here she could tell us." Kurt.

Five years from now you probably won't remember any old English cases and you'll probably do fine in life.

Thomas M.

No...you really don't want the Lord to show you a sign.

Emily H.

I'm all for polygamy as long as it's same sex.

Randy D.

"Himmelshpak? What kind of name is that?" Chris. "Ah, he's a Vulcan mohel." Randy.

Rob C.

It's a real pain in the ass when you try to kill yourself and fall in love at the same time.

You know how you can be feckless--can you be 'fecked'? That's how I'm feeling: a low-grade feck.

Book 11

Book 11

Terry C.

The sun never sets on badass!

I made THIS!!

Ed B.

I've got brain freeze!! I've forgotten the protocol for drinking a slushy!

Kylie J.

Where did you grow up--backwards emphasis land?

I don't want to have to corral my bazongas into a stupidass orange halter top!!

Beer and Jesus, they go hand in hand.

I'll just imagine I'm wallpaper.

Not only am I old, but I'm cheap too!

I can be sad that a mime died!!

"Admit it, you love being in Maaike-land!" Me. "Yes, it's just like Disneyland...if Disneyland was in a psych ward!" Kylie.

Daniel, the other white friend.

Me

This is ranking very high on the seven levels of suck.

I guess it's true what they say, unlucky in love, lucky in gluesticks.

I'm a bunny with a swingset!

Espresso tastes like Hanukkah!

Randy D.

I personally believe that the first few centuries of the afterlife will be spent in deep and intensive therapy to help us get over the trauma of life. I just hope my insurance covers it.

Sally E-H.

Bless his cranky, anal, uncommunicative heart!

Fascists come in all different flavors.

Emily H.

We've got a 'so-what' factor.

Rose K.

The only scientific thing about ti was that they were scientists.

Subtext will bite you in the ass every time.

I will not be satiated by your placebo, you heartless bitch!

David E-H.

He has written what is technically known as a butt-load of plays.

Elizabeth S.

Heathen, mouth-breathing, unwashed freshmen!

Daniel M.

How'd you make the squirrel mad?

You'll probably like it too, because it has to do with poo.

The campus looks so different when you're not staring at the ground.

Book 10

Book 10--I list the people in the order in which they are quoted in my book.

Daniel M.

I was really excited about the salad-spinner, too! You should have seen this thing!

This song's faster so you might want to get up and mosh.

That's where I was supposed to start but didn't, obviously.

I need to import some Venezuelan chicken.

"Easy there, Mr. Destructo. Or is it Captain Destructo?" Me. "Actually, it's El Capitan!"

That's what you get for messing with the Shark Captain!

Instead of having a hand with a line through it they should have a sticker that reads: Caution Hella Fucking Hot!

This is a dramatic reenactment of a rather dramatic lip-syncing.

We're coming up on Hoot's you want to stop in for some buffalo wings?

I'm trying to think of ways you could be worth more...you probably have some harvest-able organs.

Rob C.

I have so many levels of hate for you right now.

It says something about your nature if you have adhesive spit.

I forgot to shave today and it makes me feel mean.

There's a haphazard feeling to the floating baby people.

The extent of my mental Rolodex will be used!

We engage in war & therapy.

Have you ever heard the phrase 'to be used against you in a court of law'?

Kylie J.

I'd only call you lizard-woman out of love.

You're a veggie-lover lover.

someone is calling you a "stupidass" in their head right now.

"I love how loudly chips crunch in my head!" Me. "Do they drown out the voices?" Kylie

"Bless you." Me. "I didn't sneeze." Kylie. "I didn't bless you." Me. "Well then, bless you, too!" Kylie

Tell Daniel to take care of you or I'll kick his non-existent butt!

Ginger R.

I don't know, but I Googled one in Japan.

David E-H

But I've had a good week, so shut the hell up.

She was skipping towards her dark place.

"David, did you hurt yourself?" Me. "I'm turning 40 in a week, of course I hurt myself." David

Randy D.

"I'm not looking for a 'half,' I'm looking for a 'whole'." Me. "Just make sure it's not an asshole." Randy.

What--so your bra has to align with the north star?

I had a dream about Albert, but the part of Albert was being played by Denzel Washington.

Ben S.

God's up there right now, "I would strike her down but...gosh, I lover her!"

Brad C.

I was heading into surgery the other day and Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" was playing.

Me

"I'm detecting a hint of sarcasm." Kylie. "Only a hint? Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough." Me

"Where do you people come from?" Kylie. "From the land of watching movies that came out after we were born." Me.

I can't hit him, he looks like Jesus!

Book 4

Book 4 starts using dates, but I like how I did Book 3 so I'm continuing that way:

Ginger R:

I'm living on the edge! I almost ate a cookie!!

He raised show chickens.

Patrick:

I get nervous around girls! I spell my name backwards around them!

JJ:

Mine's a poo poo dictionary.

The Turretic Detective.

Ergo...dirt stop.

Who was that crazy bastard?

David E-H:

Testosterone-based biases.

Rob C:

Despite the books, the learning', my world remains in utter chaos.

People like nothing better than to be connected to the Greeks. I don't know why.

All these words sitting around! We might as well use them!!

In the concourse of the play...in the fabric of the play...Just in the play, ok!

There was no such thing as frequent flyer miles int he Elizabethan period.

It's not xenophobia, it's a healthy suspicion.

I've learned my history in a shamelessly anglicized way.

The first think you do is hire a French kick-boxer to exact your revenge.

Let me use the phrase again: comprehensive exam. And, by definition, that means a long time ago.

"No one's gonna make fun of you--you write the grades!" Brian. "It's never stopped you before." Rob

"Yeah, but your map was in Spanish." Rob C. "That's because it was of Spain." James C.

I love you all dearly, but you're really getting on my nerves.

Actually, nothin in my life has ever been my fault. It's rather ironic. And it's passed on through my genes. The other day I heard a plate break in the kitchen and although all three of my sons were in there, it was nobody's fault.

Louis P:

You're a fantastic woman! Ff you weren't here, you'd have to be invented!

Pinkos forever!!

Nathan T:

So, when are you going to find a dirty, little Asian slave boy to settle down with?

Randy D:

If she calls herself the Mistress of All Evil, I don't think she's interested in being happy.

Paul K:

He had a big nose and he hit people with a stick...what more do you need?

We're craving truth!

Anything that can be hung upon must be clown-bearing.

Jeff D:

Oh look! Something fall from sky! I take picture!

Me:

Chivalry isn't dead...it's just at a Gothic Gay nightclub.

Jessie B.

Mom, I'm sure glad you managed to have enough nipples for all of us.

Christina C.

It's like Ebonics...only it's Mormonics.