Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Book 15

Here's book 15. That means I'm up to date. Book 16 is the first entry.


I understand the inner workings of the kitty mind.

It's hard to talk to someone who still has hope.

I have a whole frog full of change!

"If 'ass' comes at the beginning of an insult it's a swearword, if it comes at the end, it's not." Me. "When is it a compliment?" Marie M. "When it's preceded by the word 'nice'." Me.

Daniel M.

No matter how much I suck, I'm still pretty awesome.

I can't say that I'd really complain about bosoms all around my head.

I think I just accidentally took a picture of my crotch.

You can't just say the Pujols.

"I think I interrupted your baseball watching." Dan. "It's okay, I got to see Pujols." Me. "And all the little Pujols." Dan

"I get scared of the pop up balls and close my eyes." Me. "That contradicts the advice of "keep you eyes on the ball'." Dan


"You get in an accident and they up your rate!" Randy "Rate is 'butt' in Dutch." Mom

"I don't want to go to church today." Me. "Why, didn't you sleep well?" Mom. "No, I slept fine." Me. "Then I have no sympathy for you." Mom. "But I have sympathy for you!" Me. "Yeah, but I'm old." Mom

Randy D.

Be peaceful or I'll kick your ass!

Emily H.

It's not their fault they don't have sphincters!

Lewie H.

Sounds like something bad is going to happen on the morrow.

Dan's night isn't complete because he hasn't had bosoms around his head.

After dinner I had three feet of goodness in my intestines.

Flipper got all the love anyone could ever want!

Marie M.

I guess he's the go-to guy for bringing suspenders back into style.

Chris H.

For sale: three-legged cat, slightly used.

Dave C.

Jared, that smaller cast makes you look more slender.

"Women giggle. What do men do?" Me. "We chuckle." Dave. "Who chortles?" Me. "Fat men." Dave

How was the wagon ride, junior?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Book 14

Book 14...almost up to date!

Kurt Q.

When I was five I threw my sister's sock monek in the toilet. She was three. It was a very traumatic experience for both of us.

I'm just highlighting it for your supreme edification.

Stephen B.

My chickens can go & do whatever--they have a great social life.

If you as a fish, "do you know your momma?" they don't.

Randy D.

That sounds like something Maaike would say.


I'm very funny. I enjoy me.

When it comes to proving my point, I don't need reality.

Daniel M.

I'm going to give you a hug because you're awesome.

I don't know if I'm humble so much as I just have really low self-esteem.

Optimism isn't as humorous as you'd think.

"God can hear you singing." Me. "Really? I wasn't sure any sound was coming out." Dan.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Book 13

Book 13 is pretty small...


"Hey, Mom. Can I have some ice cream?" Me. "Well, I don't see why not." Mom

"Mom, I'm hungry but I don't want to make any food." Me. "The go outside and look for some manna from heaven." Mom

Daniel M.

Shh...I'm going to have to take you out into the hall.

Remember, even if you do get hit by one of the pitches it won't hurt very bad and you'll be ok.

Take it easy...and if it's easy take it twice.

That's just how life is and it's gonna suck forever.

Well...you're going to be miserable your whole life anyway, but...

Sometimes I don't have a very pleasant face. I mean a very pleasant look on my face.


If you were a giant rat and had a mohawk, what color would it be?

All my heroes turned into humans this year.

Emotion is my palette and I paint myself everyday.

I really miss the old days...you know, back when love existed.

Clouds don't make me sad. The chemical imbalances in my brain make me sad, but clouds are fine.

If I find out that my entire existence is the crazed imaginings of a worried mind I'll be pissed.

Ben S.

She's legally a midget in 49 states!

It's not that we don't care, it's just not interesting.

Kurt Q.

I'm going to do this in Valley Girl Speech, but bear with me, I'm not a native speaker.

Do you ever have one of those mornings when you slowly realize what a mess you're in?

I just thought Sarah Palin sounded like a snarky hockey mom.

The best transitive verbs are violent.

"What's that word? For an animal skin?" Kurt. "Pelt." Lucas. "Yeah, that's right. If Sarah Palin were here she could tell us." Kurt.

Five years from now you probably won't remember any old English cases and you'll probably do fine in life.

Thomas M.

No...you really don't want the Lord to show you a sign.

Emily H.

I'm all for polygamy as long as it's same sex.

Randy D.

"Himmelshpak? What kind of name is that?" Chris. "Ah, he's a Vulcan mohel." Randy.

Rob C.

It's a real pain in the ass when you try to kill yourself and fall in love at the same time.

You know how you can be feckless--can you be 'fecked'? That's how I'm feeling: a low-grade feck.

Book 12

hello...welcome to Book 12

Sally E-H.

Apparently it's "Sings just for the band." I always thought it was "seamstress for the band" which makes sense because it's Elton John.

Let your enormous, hairy thighs keep you warm!

Rob C.

They are very articulate about their inability to get it together.

Otters are not people.

Computer analysts are extremely charismatic people.

Many things suck. Paris Hilton sucks. Therefore all things are sucked by Paris Hilton.

Casey D.

I only remember one day in sixth grade and a little bit of yesterday!


A girl falls in love with a vampire and he falls in love with her. He's gorgeous. He's romantic. He does everything right and the right speed to make a relationship. Then they go on great adventures. So, aside from the fac that he's a vampire, it's total fiction.

I wish real people would like me.

No one should ever see their teacher's falsies.

I think I have a letter E up my nose.

I'm so tired everything smells like lilacs.

The vampires you sent were delicious!

Tonight the role of coffee will be played by Pepsi


"Hey there, Sassy!" Me. "Quatch?" Kylie

Emily H.

I don't have hepatitis, I'm just clean! (Moscow water is often quite yellow).

I really should be doing laundry right now--not going to the mall. I hate myself! I hate myself!!

Daniel M.

Leader I will not be.

Once you stop caring about stuff it gets a whole lot easier.

Ben S.

It just proves how much God loves you and isn't really worried about the rest of us.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Book 11

Book 11

Terry C.

The sun never sets on badass!

I made THIS!!

Ed B.

I've got brain freeze!! I've forgotten the protocol for drinking a slushy!

Kylie J.

Where did you grow up--backwards emphasis land?

I don't want to have to corral my bazongas into a stupidass orange halter top!!

Beer and Jesus, they go hand in hand.

I'll just imagine I'm wallpaper.

Not only am I old, but I'm cheap too!

I can be sad that a mime died!!

"Admit it, you love being in Maaike-land!" Me. "Yes, it's just like Disneyland...if Disneyland was in a psych ward!" Kylie.

Daniel, the other white friend.


This is ranking very high on the seven levels of suck.

I guess it's true what they say, unlucky in love, lucky in gluesticks.

I'm a bunny with a swingset!

Espresso tastes like Hanukkah!

Randy D.

I personally believe that the first few centuries of the afterlife will be spent in deep and intensive therapy to help us get over the trauma of life. I just hope my insurance covers it.

Sally E-H.

Bless his cranky, anal, uncommunicative heart!

Fascists come in all different flavors.

Emily H.

We've got a 'so-what' factor.

Rose K.

The only scientific thing about ti was that they were scientists.

Subtext will bite you in the ass every time.

I will not be satiated by your placebo, you heartless bitch!

David E-H.

He has written what is technically known as a butt-load of plays.

Elizabeth S.

Heathen, mouth-breathing, unwashed freshmen!

Daniel M.

How'd you make the squirrel mad?

You'll probably like it too, because it has to do with poo.

The campus looks so different when you're not staring at the ground.