Friday, February 26, 2010

Book 10

Book 10--I list the people in the order in which they are quoted in my book.

Daniel M.

I was really excited about the salad-spinner, too! You should have seen this thing!

This song's faster so you might want to get up and mosh.

That's where I was supposed to start but didn't, obviously.

I need to import some Venezuelan chicken.

"Easy there, Mr. Destructo. Or is it Captain Destructo?" Me. "Actually, it's El Capitan!"

That's what you get for messing with the Shark Captain!

Instead of having a hand with a line through it they should have a sticker that reads: Caution Hella Fucking Hot!

This is a dramatic reenactment of a rather dramatic lip-syncing.

We're coming up on Hoot's you want to stop in for some buffalo wings?

I'm trying to think of ways you could be worth probably have some harvest-able organs.

Rob C.

I have so many levels of hate for you right now.

It says something about your nature if you have adhesive spit.

I forgot to shave today and it makes me feel mean.

There's a haphazard feeling to the floating baby people.

The extent of my mental Rolodex will be used!

We engage in war & therapy.

Have you ever heard the phrase 'to be used against you in a court of law'?

Kylie J.

I'd only call you lizard-woman out of love.

You're a veggie-lover lover.

someone is calling you a "stupidass" in their head right now.

"I love how loudly chips crunch in my head!" Me. "Do they drown out the voices?" Kylie

"Bless you." Me. "I didn't sneeze." Kylie. "I didn't bless you." Me. "Well then, bless you, too!" Kylie

Tell Daniel to take care of you or I'll kick his non-existent butt!

Ginger R.

I don't know, but I Googled one in Japan.

David E-H

But I've had a good week, so shut the hell up.

She was skipping towards her dark place.

"David, did you hurt yourself?" Me. "I'm turning 40 in a week, of course I hurt myself." David

Randy D.

"I'm not looking for a 'half,' I'm looking for a 'whole'." Me. "Just make sure it's not an asshole." Randy.

What--so your bra has to align with the north star?

I had a dream about Albert, but the part of Albert was being played by Denzel Washington.

Ben S.

God's up there right now, "I would strike her down but...gosh, I lover her!"

Brad C.

I was heading into surgery the other day and Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" was playing.


"I'm detecting a hint of sarcasm." Kylie. "Only a hint? Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough." Me

"Where do you people come from?" Kylie. "From the land of watching movies that came out after we were born." Me.

I can't hit him, he looks like Jesus!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Book 9

Daniel M.

I didn't lock my doors because the people in Ellensburg are my homeboys.

"If I die you can have all my stuff." Me. "Can I sell the Buffy books on e-bay?" Dan M.

"There are times in life when you realize you're not as high up on the Grand Nerd Scales as you thought." Me. "Yet, I wish I was." Dan M.

Do bad guys eat Pop Tarts? 'Cuz I really like Pop Tarts.

Dennis W.

The seemingly innocent can also be guilty.

Excuse me for speaking so frankly, I'm often misquoted.

Ginger R.

"Then I'd have an Ida-Ho!" Ginger. "And you're not a Ho." Me. "Not anymore, anyway." Ginger.

I resisted Gypsy's attempts to claim the chicken.

Jesse B.

Chivalry isn't dead, it's just mistaken for buffoonery.

"That was sort of a Yoda sigh." Me. "Yes, it was full of the angst of a thousand years." Jesse B.

Ben S.

I can't be opening and closing folders all day.

Kylie J.

There probably are a lot of pig tailors around because if they just wore regular pants they'd be too long.

Not that we don't have a cause, just not a very good cause.

David E-H.

Damn you, my love!


I don't want anyone else thinking they're fabulous, when actually it's me.

Welcome ta Sunday School, ye bastards!!

James is only interested in what people have to say if he's the one talking.

Bad guys eat Fruit Loops!!

Rob C.

The Abydos Passion Play ran for two thousand years. It kicks Andrew Lloyd Weber's ass!

I will be talking about decorum to the point that you will wish to slap me on the head--but thou shalt not!

It's a particularly pernicious thing, imperialism.

National Day of a Dull Sense of Panic.

I reserve the right to be in this shitty mood without explaining why.

Matt S.

That's a 'pants on fire' situation.

I didn't know that, yes I did.

Book 8

Book 8 is filled with lots of greeting cards and not much writing.

Daniel M.

Here's my fourth grade report on squirrels.

Do you want to see what else I have that's square?

Rob C.

Emotions should only be expressed after nightfall.

Emily F.

He looks like the illegitimate white son of Mr. T.


She used to be a dumkopf, but now she's a cheaterhead.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Book 7

Here we go...Book 7:

Daniel M:

When all else fails, play Screeching Weasel.

Do you know what will help you sleep--being in the mosh pit all night!

I'm clouded by my own ignorant radicalism.

Teddy J:

"Ted, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Kylie. "Maybe a mind." Ted. "Ok." Kylie. "Because they only speak with their hands." Ted. "Oh, a mime. I don't think mimes make that much money. They're kind of like homeless people." Kylie.


Little boys flirt with do old men. It's the ones my age that I have problems with.

That's what's kept me from killing a lot of people: low blood-sugar.

If you're dating a superhero everyone pales in comparison.

Emily H:

Who doesn't want drunk German's celebrating them?

Dennis W:

Don't complain when you get something for free!

"I think it was John who brought up necrophilia..." Dennis. "It wasn't me!" John. "Oh pardon, It wasn't you who brought it up, but it was you who knew how to spell it." Dennis

Rob C:

We prepare for the big crises, but it's the little fears that will break us down.

Ginger R:

He kind of took up residence in my head.

"Ginger, I need to take my brain out for a vacation." Me. "How are you going to do that?" Ginger. "Have you got on of those pumpkin scrapers?" Me. "No, but do you know what I do have: a melon-baller!" Ginger

You go, Buddha!

I want to be the Secretary of Cookies.

Ben S:

2,001 things a drunk slut should do before she dies!

I've been wanting to hear this story forever!

I'm gonna be a really good doctor...not one of those bad doctors who kill people.


"Hey, don't do that I might lose a hand!" Mad guy. "Well, I didn't do anything and did you stop to think you might hurt my feelings, you lousy bastard." Al.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Book 6

Here is book 6

David E-H

Hit the deck! That ham sandwich is gonna blow!!

Hornby would make the argument...and since he's not here, I'll do it for him...


Mango laundry soap? How do you not eat your clothes!

"Take this pizza with you." Ginger. "I really hate cold pizza" Me. "What about your roommates?" Ginger. "I hate them, too." Me.

The sound of shaken fairies.

I wish I had a mind that thought is lines instead of swirlyques.

I'm debating whether or not to keep Petey's legs.

Kylie J.

Plastic ass can? What? Is it a chair? Like a bucket seat?

"I don't want to be a hippogryph!" Teddy "Too much Harry Potter, not enough church." Kylie

Rob C.

If you'll look here I think you'll see that there is some suspicious leotard action going on.

In honor of 'Intimate Apparel' I am wearing lace undies.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hope that really happens.

I know, you think I'm's in my nature.

Isn't there a sort of disconnect between your passion to destroy a country and your inability to find it on a map?

We were all on Prozac that semester...and some of us never got off.

So, we killed him. But that's not important and I want you to forget that fact.

Don't take this the wrong way, but, you sick bitch!

Paul K.

"Nellie is now the director. I am the female actor." Paul. "You'll have to shave." Nellie. "No. Russian." Paul

Confucius is a silly head.

Here's a far-fetched...and really bad idea.

Ginger R.

I trump you! I'm in line to die!

If a disaster comes, I'm gonna eat my dog.

"The bathroom smells like a wet poodle!" Me. "A DEAD wet poodle!" Ginger

Don't come to my house!!

Amy S.

Don't admire my sacrilege!

Do I have something on my philtrum? Do I have a philtrum?

Stephen H.

This is a rock? Where do we commonly find rocks?

A sturdy dirt clod and a soft rock are pretty much the same thing.

Landslides, and the prevention thereof.

What happened and how do they feel? In geology no one cares how they feel. The fact that they're there is incidental.

"A university course in stealing and thievery...that would be cool." Me. "Well, the UI does have the college of Law." Stephen

I'm allergic to myself and I can't stand to be confined like that!

Elizabeth S.

Crap on a stick!

They're about as similar as bananas and cheese.

Ben S.

Moths are butterflies ugly cousins. Ben. "Yeah, but do your ugly cousins eat your clothes?" Jade. "Well, yea." Ben.

Every time she kills me I get dead!

What does the acronym ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM stand for?

"People like me. I don't know why." Me. "I can name several're fun...well, that's about it." Ben

Jade S. one likes you.

I'm paying attention...I'm just not smart.

Daniel M.

Ted Nugent talks that way even when buying socks.

Sherri D.

"We just get worried when we can't get a hold of you." Chris. "Did you think I was dead in the back yard?" Mom. "No, Albert checked the back yard." Sherri.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Book 5

Book 5

Amy S.

"How are you?" Jana. "I'm doing great!" Amy. "That's fabulous." Jana. "Yes, I thought so." Amy

All I want is a big burly man to sweep me off my feet, tell me I'm wonderful, and that if anyone bothers me they will be tortured and stepped on! That's all I want!

If I were a normal person I'd have children by now.

I guess what I really need is a husband. Or maybe a cherry cordial.

Rob C.

I am not doing this to suggest that I am evil and draconian...but I am.

It is in the nature of all human beings to corrupt themselves.

Things can be jejune annually.

We always need enemies to define ourselves.

The wealthier you were the more hair you could afford to buy.

I took a knife and stabbed him into jam.

No actors in ant costumes, there had to be actual ants on the stage.

As an interesting side note...well, I don't know if it's interesting but it is a side note so bear with me.

Speaking French prods my groin.

Have you ever heard the song "Mad Dogs and Englishmen Go Out in the Sun"? No? You should really put it on your ipod shuffle.

Teddy J.

Maaike sure likes to laugh. But I guess she's just made that way.

I can hear your brain saying, "dork."

Elizabeth S.

If it's an imaginary number why do I have to learn it?

An Egyptian palace...with a bowling alley!

Hello my stupid Canadian friend. Come over for a game of Whale Blubber!

In New Mexico they're not quite right...but they're alive.

Kid at the Mall

Dad, look at all the ho's!


Big Hats on Wheels: the Musical.

They didn't have a gong so they hit an ox.


I should go back to the English department where I feel superior.

I wish I were a 5'9" plastic black woman.

Get over it? That's your medical advice: get over it?

Aubrey L-Y

Watch out, she'll get her little Mormon buddies and they'll take you out for juice and chicken!


I know mangoes!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Book 4

Book 4 starts using dates, but I like how I did Book 3 so I'm continuing that way:

Ginger R:

I'm living on the edge! I almost ate a cookie!!

He raised show chickens.


I get nervous around girls! I spell my name backwards around them!


Mine's a poo poo dictionary.

The Turretic Detective.

Ergo...dirt stop.

Who was that crazy bastard?

David E-H:

Testosterone-based biases.

Rob C:

Despite the books, the learning', my world remains in utter chaos.

People like nothing better than to be connected to the Greeks. I don't know why.

All these words sitting around! We might as well use them!!

In the concourse of the the fabric of the play...Just in the play, ok!

There was no such thing as frequent flyer miles int he Elizabethan period.

It's not xenophobia, it's a healthy suspicion.

I've learned my history in a shamelessly anglicized way.

The first think you do is hire a French kick-boxer to exact your revenge.

Let me use the phrase again: comprehensive exam. And, by definition, that means a long time ago.

"No one's gonna make fun of you--you write the grades!" Brian. "It's never stopped you before." Rob

"Yeah, but your map was in Spanish." Rob C. "That's because it was of Spain." James C.

I love you all dearly, but you're really getting on my nerves.

Actually, nothin in my life has ever been my fault. It's rather ironic. And it's passed on through my genes. The other day I heard a plate break in the kitchen and although all three of my sons were in there, it was nobody's fault.

Louis P:

You're a fantastic woman! Ff you weren't here, you'd have to be invented!

Pinkos forever!!

Nathan T:

So, when are you going to find a dirty, little Asian slave boy to settle down with?

Randy D:

If she calls herself the Mistress of All Evil, I don't think she's interested in being happy.

Paul K:

He had a big nose and he hit people with a stick...what more do you need?

We're craving truth!

Anything that can be hung upon must be clown-bearing.

Jeff D:

Oh look! Something fall from sky! I take picture!


Chivalry isn't's just at a Gothic Gay nightclub.

Jessie B.

Mom, I'm sure glad you managed to have enough nipples for all of us.

Christina C.

It's like Ebonics...only it's Mormonics.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Book 3 three doesn't have dates either.

This one is going to be done a little differently then, I'll put the author's name once and all their quotes after...saving me from writing each person's name over and over.

Elizabeth S.

"We let the cute animals live, I mean the cows we just say 'get your ass in the truck-you're gonna be a baseball glove!"

"Some damn vegan stole my grandpa!"

"I don't want to die on the tilt-a-whirl!"

"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck yourself?"

"We need a place for the fangs, duh!"

"I had to make sure we had an even number [of gummy bears] so I ate one in the hallway."

"I keep you around because you smell better than most monkeys."

"My mother taught me not to lie too much."

"I'd better google a picture of the pope!"

"She's running a slight fever, or else she's just weird."

"I'm not weird, I'm gifted!"

"Funny like 'ha-ha' or funny like 'look that man's having a heart attack."

"Yeah, I was turning the wheel while she worked the pedals and played the flute."

"But I'm so cute!" Me "Compared to what?" Elizabeth S.

"Benefits include Mental, Dental and 401K."

"Having goals in life is sexy. Having that goal be 'world domination' is even sexier."

"I'm not surprised that people drop out of school, become bums and eventually end up killing themselves."

"I'd be a bad-ass-asauras...I'd be like 'hey teranadon, what you lookin' at!"

"I find that kind of thing very taxing." E.S. "What, kindness?" Me "Yeah." E.S.

"Different milk! I thought you meant goat, cow & yak! Fuck that!"

"Hello, Happy Hills? I need you to come for a pick up...she's clearly delusional."

"I'd be sad if it were you, but I'd still laugh."

"I hear Ebola's not so bad."

"It smells like something's on fire." Me "It better not be the building because I don't feel like evacuating."

"Hello Maaike, I'm Mr. Spoon! I'm here to cut your eyes out!"

"Can't they have more friendly death-tolling bells? It's like ding-dong: you're gonna die!"

"Note to self: Kill Maaike sooner...I am sick of her flaunting her superior tacos in my face...oh, and buy some Swedish fish."

"It's like passover...only not Jewish."

"Uri and Pablo are plotting against you." ES "What is this...a Spanish-Russian conspiracy?" Me "Don't forget Wong and Pierre." ES

Lucia C.

"Did you put the dimensions of Aubrey's ass in there?"

"I'm doing embroidery for revenge."

Jeff B.

"You'll be ok if you don't gnaw on the window sills."

"I've always enjoyed my organ."

"I like to get as close to myself as possible." Jeff "Yes, we know." Christina C.

Aubrey L-Y

"Her ass is a 10...on the Richter scale!"

"I flung a piece of sausage at the Jewish guy and he ducked and screamed "ah! Devil's meat!'."

"They're only your friends if they want to play with your bat and ball."

Kylie J.

"I'm afraid of heights! I don't even like to stand up!"

Teddy J.

"I forgot for a minute how pants worked."

Idaho State Safety Inspector

"Did you know the stuff in your first aid kit expired 14 years ago?"

Caleb T.

"It's not stealing until a jury of 12 convicts and even then it can still be appealed."

Jade S.

"I hope if we resort to eating each other it's not for dessert."

"God sent out his holiday newsletter."

"If anybody dies today, I'll be pissed!"

Adam S.

"God sent me this beautiful bunt cake. I'm supposed to share with everyone."


"Who's the guy in the tall hat? Ronald Regan?" Andi "What kind of tard are you?" Elizabeth S.

"If I had to think before I spoke I'd never get to talk again!"

"I have no problem with public's the shutting up part that gives me trouble."


"I'm always getting thrown into bottomless pits!"

"I like you like I like an embarrassing rash."

"I need a Yiddish spell checker."

"And I was feeling all self-esteemy and everything."

Christina C.

"I've known Maaike for two years and I've only seen her cry once." "Sweet! If something happens to you, I'm dating her!" Nathan T.

Mandy M.

"I have hundreds of items in my freezer... all of which I will tell you about right now."

Ben S.

"I don't need to ask Maaike; she loves me, she'll let me do anything."

Joe M.

"You and your stupid happiness!"

"It's kind of sad when your own eyes glaze over when you're talking to yourself."

"Nothing says 'I love you' like chewing on your eyeball."

Katie W.

"Nothing's worse than finding a redneck in a cave."

"I can come down here, watch people make out...feel all lonely inside."

Rob C.

"It's just a part of me dying inside...that's all."

"'My computer crashed' is the 20th century version of 'my dog ate it.'"

"Talk to me as you slip down the slope...not when you hit the bottom."

"I've upped my blood pressure there should be no beatings...hmmm...hmmm...there should be no beatings."

"We are the avant garde...we are the front...we're cool."

"There are many, many Shakespeare festivals, but no Marlowe festivals."

"It would be like our children's children's children taking all they know about us from a fragment of the Declaration of Independence, some letters from Jefferson, some episodes of "Friends" and a receipt from Shopko!"

"Yet another reason not to go to jail."

"They think Noah's a rap artist."

"That's actual math. The 15 potato rule."

"They'll put heads on pikes!" Rob. "And enlightened things like that." Brian "I, only, am allowed to make the jokes, Brian." Rob.

"Morose Chekovian Dipshits."

"The Greeks designed LAX--the book doesn't even mention it. But I...I know."

"I think since we know Oedipus, we can say [Hurricane Katrina] is [Bush's] fault."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Book 2

Book 2 is lacking in dates as well. Here goes:

"There's nothing worse than having to clean up your own guts." Dez D.

"I can't come to work today because I have a knife in my head." --Elizabeth S.

"I'm not a nutritionist! For breakfast I had two tacos, a Mountain Dew and a hamburger!" Andi

"Don't make an ass of yourself every chance you get!" Elizabeth S.

"I'm not a slut, I'm a people person!" Elizabeth S.

"You're Grumpy, he's Sleepy. I'll be Leave-Me-the-Hell-Alone dwarf." Elizabeth S.

"...because you know how all people who take hostages serve blueberry pie." Emiline H.

"It's natural selection...that's what I think about plagues, wars, and old people." Elizabeth S.

"Like when walking down the street and people smile at me...I smile at them and then I think, 'I hope you get hit by a truck!'." Elizabeth S.

"Nobody wants a Biff-in-the-box!" Michelle D.

"I don't want to turn into a sucking void of 'give-me's'!" Christina C.

"Everyone loves mass-produced, cream filled pastries!" Doug O.

"Dad made me some nunchucks!" Doug O.

"I don't care about fruit leather!" Aubrey L-Y.

"It was not my bugs!" Ericka B.

"I experince fugitive revelations." Richard C.

"Everybody is somebody's Weirdo." Rick F.

"The toilet's flooded." Me. "It doesn't want to take anymore crap." Aubrey L-Y.

"Dude, you got a twinkie on your back...Hey! I got a ho-ho!" Aubrey L-Y.

"Guess what I'm thinking." Stoner Boy. "Absolutely nothing." Ericka B.

"I was wondering if your cheerfulness is genuine of if you go home and sob in your pillow." Louis P.

"The title of the class is 'Scanning Probe Microscopy.' It makes me kind of blush."

"In the swirling darkness, I am your voice of sanity." Amy S.

"If he's going to pursue, let him pursue. If he doesn't then chalk it up to free food." Amy S.

"Aubrey, you're a nut." Me. "At least I'm something." Aubrey L-Y.

"I have to tell you something." Me. "Is it about the vampire." Michelle D.

"We did that once and I looked like a big walking fly swatter." Aubrey L-Y.

"For the love of God be useful!" Elizabeth S.

"One day I hope my children get eaten by rats in their cribs." Elizabeth S.

"Who cares if you have a turban're still butt-ass naked!" Elizabeth S.

"Society demands less of their insane." Me

"Don't learn the rules...then they can't accuse you of breaking them." Mary R.

"My mom won't let me join the mafia." Elizabeth S.

"That is not a Nobel Prize. That is a jar of jelly." Me

"I hate goldfish crackers." Aubrey L-Y "Well, you can just burn in hell." Elizabeth S.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Book 1

Book 1 has no dates so I'm just putting it all together.

"There might be a slight disadvantage for the Spaniards, but Pablo does come up with words like 'chickpeas' and 'carabiner'."--Me

"Most cows do not kill their wives."--Didn't write down the author (DWDTA).

"I sat down at my desk and said, 'Oh shit, I think I'll write this!'"--D'Wayne H.

"Dyed in the wool, snot-ridden romanticism!"--D'Wayne H.

"I've got to have something fun in my life--don't get down on me!"--DWDTA

"This tastes like crushed up Smarties in urine."--Ben H.

"This is just reinforcing my pessimism."--Jake A.

"[People are] emotionally involved with their snack foods."--Jake A.

"You get an "F" because you don't know money's killing you, you assholes!"--D'Wayne H.

"Where is Hadrian's bloody Wall!!"--Daniel R.

"It's like driving a food mixer."--Daniel R.

"I'm readjusting to time so please fuck off."--Daniel R.

"I will lose the will to live if I go bald. Does that sound vain? I am vain. I don't know why I shared that with you--I'm feeling very naked and vulnerable right now."--Rob C.

"It would be nice to have no brain at all--take a break from myself."--Pablo G.

"I do too...I blame the poets."--Dan O.

"I have a little bit of experience with people I don't like."--D'Wayne H.

"A rolling stone gathers no jock itch but swimmers ear can be a problem."--Rob C.

"He comes for a bonk and he gets death instead."--Daniel R.

"He swallows small, shiny objects out of curiosity."--Jake A.

"Your crotch is like a discotheque, congratulations."--Aubrey L-Y.

"I don't know what I'd do if my thighs weren't in constant contact."--Me.

"I'll sell my script for a grilled cheese sandwich and a Shata!"--Rob C.

"So, don't lick the bottom of my shoes today."--Marie R.

"Sherill, you have such beautiful things, I'm jealous."--Me. "If it makes you feel any better, you should see my husband."--Sherill

"Ben, I like your shirt."--Me. "You would!"--Ben H.

"You buttered your bread now you have to lie in it!"--Dan O.

"It's my drugs I never take--that's why I'm all fucked up and shit."--Aubrey L-Y.

"Hey, you're the only white person here!"--Linnea H.

"There is joy but not romance/When there's giant pants." Christina C.

"At least I'm alluring to something." Christina C.

"Well, if you're going to hang out with someone for five years and not have sex, it's better if they're not exciting." Nathan T.

Monday, February 1, 2010

January 2010

"As it turned out, I broccoli-ed my pants."--Lewie

"That's true-I've never had my heart broken by a waffle."--Me

"The glass is not half empty or half full. It's just half."--Annette

December 2009

"Kitty, don't play with matches."--Me

"Maaike Grinchstein."--Anthony

"None of us are really that cute."--Arlene

"Boobs aren't just for girls any more."--Beth

"I'm just sitting here thinking, 'Why do I suck?'"--Mom

November 2009

"Hey! There's someone here older than us!"--Arlene

"A biscotti wielding madman!"--Me

"We could play Monopoly with Onion Face."--Roy

"Yeah, a duel sounds good...especially if it were back to back and ten paces...and you were both perfect shots."--Mom

"We're two old broads and we don't have time to argue!"--Sherri

"That makes my nipples sore just thinking about it."--Al

October 2009

"I can't give you a ride--I've got ten boxes of cereal and a bag full of monkeys in my car!"--Me

"My grandparents were killed by a bunt cake!"--Dave C.

September 2009

"You read some piece of literature and you think it's about hookers on Wall Street and they think it's about cantaloupe trucks in front of the school!"--Rodney

"East? East? I'm going to have to wait for the sun to move!"--Annette

"But that's not putting down old, white guys, is it?"--Rodney

"If you know what a noun-phrase is and have $2.12 you can get a Starbucks coffee."--Rodney

August 2009

"He was so gay he made me look like a lumberjack!"--Roy

Sunday, January 31st

"Chuck Norris doesn't read...he just intimidates the words in to reading themselves!"--Me