Book 8

Book 8 is filled with lots of greeting cards and not much writing.

Daniel M.

Here's my fourth grade report on squirrels.

Do you want to see what else I have that's square?

Rob C.

Emotions should only be expressed after nightfall.

Emily F.

He looks like the illegitimate white son of Mr. T.

TJ A.

She used to be a dumkopf, but now she's a cheaterhead.

Book 7

Here we go...Book 7:

Daniel M:

When all else fails, play Screeching Weasel.

Do you know what will help you sleep--being in the mosh pit all night!

I'm clouded by my own ignorant radicalism.

Teddy J:

"Ted, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Kylie. "Maybe a mind." Ted. "Ok." Kylie. "Because they only speak with their hands." Ted. "Oh, a mime. I don't think mimes make that much money. They're kind of like homeless people." Kylie.

Me:

Little boys flirt with me...so do old men. It's the ones my age that I have problems with.

That's what's kept me from killing a lot of people: low blood-sugar.

If you're dating a superhero everyone pales in comparison.

Emily H:

Who doesn't want drunk German's celebrating them?

Dennis W:

Don't complain when you get something for free!

"I think it was John who brought up necrophilia..." Dennis. "It wasn't me!" John. "Oh pardon, It wasn't you who brought it up, but it was you who knew how to spell it." Dennis

Rob C:

We prepare for the big crises, but it's the little fears that will break us down.

Ginger R:

He kind of took up residence in my head.

"Ginger, I need to take my brain out for a vacation." Me. "How are you going to do that?" Ginger. "Have you got on of those pumpkin scrapers?" Me. "No, but do you know what I do have: a melon-baller!" Ginger

You go, Buddha!

I want to be the Secretary of Cookies.

Ben S:

2,001 things a drunk slut should do before she dies!

I've been wanting to hear this story forever!

I'm gonna be a really good doctor...not one of those bad doctors who kill people.

Al:

"Hey, don't do that I might lose a hand!" Mad guy. "Well, I didn't do anything and did you stop to think you might hurt my feelings, you lousy bastard." Al.

Book 6

Here is book 6

David E-H

Hit the deck! That ham sandwich is gonna blow!!

Hornby would make the argument...and since he's not here, I'll do it for him...

Me

Mango laundry soap? How do you not eat your clothes!

"Take this pizza with you." Ginger. "I really hate cold pizza" Me. "What about your roommates?" Ginger. "I hate them, too." Me.

The sound of shaken fairies.

I wish I had a mind that thought is lines instead of swirlyques.

I'm debating whether or not to keep Petey's legs.

Kylie J.

Plastic ass can? What? Is it a chair? Like a bucket seat?

"I don't want to be a hippogryph!" Teddy "Too much Harry Potter, not enough church." Kylie

Rob C.

If you'll look here I think you'll see that there is some suspicious leotard action going on.

In honor of 'Intimate Apparel' I am wearing lace undies.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hope that really happens.

I know, you think I'm annoying...it's in my nature.

Isn't there a sort of disconnect between your passion to destroy a country and your inability to find it on a map?

We were all on Prozac that semester...and some of us never got off.

So, we killed him. But that's not important and I want you to forget that fact.

Don't take this the wrong way, but, you sick bitch!

Paul K.

"Nellie is now the director. I am the female actor." Paul. "You'll have to shave." Nellie. "No. Russian." Paul

Confucius is a silly head.

Here's a far-fetched...and really bad idea.

Ginger R.

I trump you! I'm in line to die!

If a disaster comes, I'm gonna eat my dog.

"The bathroom smells like a wet poodle!" Me. "A DEAD wet poodle!" Ginger

Don't come to my house!!

Amy S.

Don't admire my sacrilege!

Do I have something on my philtrum? Do I have a philtrum?

Stephen H.

This is a rock? Where do we commonly find rocks?

A sturdy dirt clod and a soft rock are pretty much the same thing.

Landslides, and the prevention thereof.

What happened and how do they feel? In geology no one cares how they feel. The fact that they're there is incidental.

"A university course in stealing and thievery...that would be cool." Me. "Well, the UI does have the college of Law." Stephen

I'm allergic to myself and I can't stand to be confined like that!

Elizabeth S.

Crap on a stick!

They're about as similar as bananas and cheese.

Ben S.

Moths are butterflies ugly cousins. Ben. "Yeah, but do your ugly cousins eat your clothes?" Jade. "Well, yea." Ben.

Every time she kills me I get dead!

What does the acronym ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM stand for?

"People like me. I don't know why." Me. "I can name several reasons...you're fun...well, that's about it." Ben

Jade S.

Ooo...no one likes you.

I'm paying attention...I'm just not smart.

Daniel M.

Ted Nugent talks that way even when buying socks.

Sherri D.

"We just get worried when we can't get a hold of you." Chris. "Did you think I was dead in the back yard?" Mom. "No, Albert checked the back yard." Sherri.

Book 5

Book 5

Amy S.

"How are you?" Jana. "I'm doing great!" Amy. "That's fabulous." Jana. "Yes, I thought so." Amy

All I want is a big burly man to sweep me off my feet, tell me I'm wonderful, and that if anyone bothers me they will be tortured and stepped on! That's all I want!

If I were a normal person I'd have children by now.

I guess what I really need is a husband. Or maybe a cherry cordial.

Rob C.

I am not doing this to suggest that I am evil and draconian...but I am.

It is in the nature of all human beings to corrupt themselves.

Things can be jejune annually.

We always need enemies to define ourselves.

The wealthier you were the more hair you could afford to buy.

I took a knife and stabbed him into jam.

No actors in ant costumes, there had to be actual ants on the stage.

As an interesting side note...well, I don't know if it's interesting but it is a side note so bear with me.

Speaking French prods my groin.

Have you ever heard the song "Mad Dogs and Englishmen Go Out in the Sun"? No? You should really put it on your ipod shuffle.

Teddy J.

Maaike sure likes to laugh. But I guess she's just made that way.

I can hear your brain saying, "dork."

Elizabeth S.

If it's an imaginary number why do I have to learn it?

An Egyptian palace...with a bowling alley!

Hello my stupid Canadian friend. Come over for a game of Whale Blubber!

In New Mexico they're not quite right...but they're alive.

Kid at the Mall

Dad, look at all the ho's!

JJ

Big Hats on Wheels: the Musical.

They didn't have a gong so they hit an ox.

ME

I should go back to the English department where I feel superior.

I wish I were a 5'9" plastic black woman.

Get over it? That's your medical advice: get over it?

Aubrey L-Y

Watch out, she'll get her little Mormon buddies and they'll take you out for juice and chicken!

Ginger

I know mangoes!

Book 4

Book 4 starts using dates, but I like how I did Book 3 so I'm continuing that way:

Ginger R:

I'm living on the edge! I almost ate a cookie!!

He raised show chickens.

Patrick:

I get nervous around girls! I spell my name backwards around them!

JJ:

Mine's a poo poo dictionary.

The Turretic Detective.

Ergo...dirt stop.

Who was that crazy bastard?

David E-H:

Testosterone-based biases.

Rob C:

Despite the books, the learning', my world remains in utter chaos.

People like nothing better than to be connected to the Greeks. I don't know why.

All these words sitting around! We might as well use them!!

In the concourse of the play...in the fabric of the play...Just in the play, ok!

There was no such thing as frequent flyer miles int he Elizabethan period.

It's not xenophobia, it's a healthy suspicion.

I've learned my history in a shamelessly anglicized way.

The first think you do is hire a French kick-boxer to exact your revenge.

Let me use the phrase again: comprehensive exam. And, by definition, that means a long time ago.

"No one's gonna make fun of you--you write the grades!" Brian. "It's never stopped you before." Rob

"Yeah, but your map was in Spanish." Rob C. "That's because it was of Spain." James C.

I love you all dearly, but you're really getting on my nerves.

Actually, nothin in my life has ever been my fault. It's rather ironic. And it's passed on through my genes. The other day I heard a plate break in the kitchen and although all three of my sons were in there, it was nobody's fault.

Louis P:

You're a fantastic woman! Ff you weren't here, you'd have to be invented!

Pinkos forever!!

Nathan T:

So, when are you going to find a dirty, little Asian slave boy to settle down with?

Randy D:

If she calls herself the Mistress of All Evil, I don't think she's interested in being happy.

Paul K:

He had a big nose and he hit people with a stick...what more do you need?

We're craving truth!

Anything that can be hung upon must be clown-bearing.

Jeff D:

Oh look! Something fall from sky! I take picture!

Me:

Chivalry isn't dead...it's just at a Gothic Gay nightclub.

Jessie B.

Mom, I'm sure glad you managed to have enough nipples for all of us.

Christina C.

It's like Ebonics...only it's Mormonics.

Book 3

Dang...book three doesn't have dates either.

This one is going to be done a little differently then, I'll put the author's name once and all their quotes after...saving me from writing each person's name over and over.

Elizabeth S.

"We let the cute animals live, I mean the cows we just say 'get your ass in the truck-you're gonna be a baseball glove!"

"Some damn vegan stole my grandpa!"

"I don't want to die on the tilt-a-whirl!"

"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck yourself?"

"We need a place for the fangs, duh!"

"I had to make sure we had an even number [of gummy bears] so I ate one in the hallway."

"I keep you around because you smell better than most monkeys."

"My mother taught me not to lie too much."

"I'd better google a picture of the pope!"

"She's running a slight fever, or else she's just weird."

"I'm not weird, I'm gifted!"

"Funny like 'ha-ha' or funny like 'look that man's having a heart attack."

"Yeah, I was turning the wheel while she worked the pedals and played the flute."

"But I'm so cute!" Me "Compared to what?" Elizabeth S.

"Benefits include Mental, Dental and 401K."

"Having goals in life is sexy. Having that goal be 'world domination' is even sexier."

"I'm not surprised that people drop out of school, become bums and eventually end up killing themselves."

"I'd be a bad-ass-asauras...I'd be like 'hey teranadon, what you lookin' at!"

"I find that kind of thing very taxing." E.S. "What, kindness?" Me "Yeah." E.S.

"Different milk! I thought you meant goat, cow & yak! Fuck that!"

"Hello, Happy Hills? I need you to come for a pick up...she's clearly delusional."

"I'd be sad if it were you, but I'd still laugh."

"I hear Ebola's not so bad."

"It smells like something's on fire." Me "It better not be the building because I don't feel like evacuating."

"Hello Maaike, I'm Mr. Spoon! I'm here to cut your eyes out!"

"Can't they have more friendly death-tolling bells? It's like ding-dong: you're gonna die!"

"Note to self: Kill Maaike sooner...I am sick of her flaunting her superior tacos in my face...oh, and buy some Swedish fish."

"It's like passover...only not Jewish."

"Uri and Pablo are plotting against you." ES "What is this...a Spanish-Russian conspiracy?" Me "Don't forget Wong and Pierre." ES

Lucia C.

"Did you put the dimensions of Aubrey's ass in there?"

"I'm doing embroidery for revenge."

Jeff B.

"You'll be ok if you don't gnaw on the window sills."

"I've always enjoyed my organ."

"I like to get as close to myself as possible." Jeff "Yes, we know." Christina C.

Aubrey L-Y

"Her ass is a 10...on the Richter scale!"

"I flung a piece of sausage at the Jewish guy and he ducked and screamed "ah! Devil's meat!'."

"They're only your friends if they want to play with your bat and ball."

Kylie J.

"I'm afraid of heights! I don't even like to stand up!"

Teddy J.

"I forgot for a minute how pants worked."

Idaho State Safety Inspector

"Did you know the stuff in your first aid kit expired 14 years ago?"

Caleb T.

"It's not stealing until a jury of 12 convicts and even then it can still be appealed."

Jade S.

"I hope if we resort to eating each other it's not for dessert."

"God sent out his holiday newsletter."

"If anybody dies today, I'll be pissed!"

Adam S.

"God sent me this beautiful bunt cake. I'm supposed to share with everyone."

Andi

"Who's the guy in the tall hat? Ronald Regan?" Andi "What kind of tard are you?" Elizabeth S.

"If I had to think before I spoke I'd never get to talk again!"

"I have no problem with public speaking...it's the shutting up part that gives me trouble."

Me

"I'm always getting thrown into bottomless pits!"

"I like you like I like an embarrassing rash."

"I need a Yiddish spell checker."

"And I was feeling all self-esteemy and everything."

Christina C.

"I've known Maaike for two years and I've only seen her cry once." "Sweet! If something happens to you, I'm dating her!" Nathan T.

Mandy M.

"I have hundreds of items in my freezer... all of which I will tell you about right now."

Ben S.

"I don't need to ask Maaike; she loves me, she'll let me do anything."

Joe M.

"You and your stupid happiness!"

"It's kind of sad when your own eyes glaze over when you're talking to yourself."

"Nothing says 'I love you' like chewing on your eyeball."

Katie W.

"Nothing's worse than finding a redneck in a cave."

"I can come down here, watch people make out...feel all lonely inside."

Rob C.

"It's just a part of me dying inside...that's all."

"'My computer crashed' is the 20th century version of 'my dog ate it.'"

"Talk to me as you slip down the slope...not when you hit the bottom."

"I've upped my blood pressure medication...so there should be no beatings...hmmm...hmmm...there should be no beatings."

"We are the avant garde...we are the front...we're cool."

"There are many, many Shakespeare festivals, but no Marlowe festivals."

"It would be like our children's children's children taking all they know about us from a fragment of the Declaration of Independence, some letters from Jefferson, some episodes of "Friends" and a receipt from Shopko!"

"Yet another reason not to go to jail."

"They think Noah's a rap artist."

"That's actual math. The 15 potato rule."

"They'll put heads on pikes!" Rob. "And enlightened things like that." Brian "I, only, am allowed to make the jokes, Brian." Rob.

"Morose Chekovian Dipshits."

"The Greeks designed LAX--the book doesn't even mention it. But I...I know."

"I think since we know Oedipus, we can say [Hurricane Katrina] is [Bush's] fault."

Book 2

Book 2 is lacking in dates as well. Here goes:

"There's nothing worse than having to clean up your own guts." Dez D.

"I can't come to work today because I have a knife in my head." --Elizabeth S.

"I'm not a nutritionist! For breakfast I had two tacos, a Mountain Dew and a hamburger!" Andi

"Don't make an ass of yourself every chance you get!" Elizabeth S.

"I'm not a slut, I'm a people person!" Elizabeth S.

"You're Grumpy, he's Sleepy. I'll be Leave-Me-the-Hell-Alone dwarf." Elizabeth S.

"...because you know how all people who take hostages serve blueberry pie." Emiline H.

"It's natural selection...that's what I think about plagues, wars, and old people." Elizabeth S.

"Like when walking down the street and people smile at me...I smile at them and then I think, 'I hope you get hit by a truck!'." Elizabeth S.

"Nobody wants a Biff-in-the-box!" Michelle D.

"I don't want to turn into a sucking void of 'give-me's'!" Christina C.

"Everyone loves mass-produced, cream filled pastries!" Doug O.

"Dad made me some nunchucks!" Doug O.

"I don't care about fruit leather!" Aubrey L-Y.

"It was not my bugs!" Ericka B.

"I experince fugitive revelations." Richard C.

"Everybody is somebody's Weirdo." Rick F.

"The toilet's flooded." Me. "It doesn't want to take anymore crap." Aubrey L-Y.

"Dude, you got a twinkie on your back...Hey! I got a ho-ho!" Aubrey L-Y.

"Guess what I'm thinking." Stoner Boy. "Absolutely nothing." Ericka B.

"I was wondering if your cheerfulness is genuine of if you go home and sob in your pillow." Louis P.

"The title of the class is 'Scanning Probe Microscopy.' It makes me kind of blush."

"In the swirling darkness, I am your voice of sanity." Amy S.

"If he's going to pursue, let him pursue. If he doesn't then chalk it up to free food." Amy S.

"Aubrey, you're a nut." Me. "At least I'm something." Aubrey L-Y.

"I have to tell you something." Me. "Is it about the vampire." Michelle D.

"We did that once and I looked like a big walking fly swatter." Aubrey L-Y.

"For the love of God be useful!" Elizabeth S.

"One day I hope my children get eaten by rats in their cribs." Elizabeth S.

"Who cares if you have a turban on...you're still butt-ass naked!" Elizabeth S.

"Society demands less of their insane." Me

"Don't learn the rules...then they can't accuse you of breaking them." Mary R.

"My mom won't let me join the mafia." Elizabeth S.

"That is not a Nobel Prize. That is a jar of jelly." Me

"I hate goldfish crackers." Aubrey L-Y "Well, you can just burn in hell." Elizabeth S.