Book 3

Dang...book three doesn't have dates either.

This one is going to be done a little differently then, I'll put the author's name once and all their quotes after...saving me from writing each person's name over and over.

Elizabeth S.

"We let the cute animals live, I mean the cows we just say 'get your ass in the truck-you're gonna be a baseball glove!"

"Some damn vegan stole my grandpa!"

"I don't want to die on the tilt-a-whirl!"

"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck yourself?"

"We need a place for the fangs, duh!"

"I had to make sure we had an even number [of gummy bears] so I ate one in the hallway."

"I keep you around because you smell better than most monkeys."

"My mother taught me not to lie too much."

"I'd better google a picture of the pope!"

"She's running a slight fever, or else she's just weird."

"I'm not weird, I'm gifted!"

"Funny like 'ha-ha' or funny like 'look that man's having a heart attack."

"Yeah, I was turning the wheel while she worked the pedals and played the flute."

"But I'm so cute!" Me "Compared to what?" Elizabeth S.

"Benefits include Mental, Dental and 401K."

"Having goals in life is sexy. Having that goal be 'world domination' is even sexier."

"I'm not surprised that people drop out of school, become bums and eventually end up killing themselves."

"I'd be a bad-ass-asauras...I'd be like 'hey teranadon, what you lookin' at!"

"I find that kind of thing very taxing." E.S. "What, kindness?" Me "Yeah." E.S.

"Different milk! I thought you meant goat, cow & yak! Fuck that!"

"Hello, Happy Hills? I need you to come for a pick up...she's clearly delusional."

"I'd be sad if it were you, but I'd still laugh."

"I hear Ebola's not so bad."

"It smells like something's on fire." Me "It better not be the building because I don't feel like evacuating."

"Hello Maaike, I'm Mr. Spoon! I'm here to cut your eyes out!"

"Can't they have more friendly death-tolling bells? It's like ding-dong: you're gonna die!"

"Note to self: Kill Maaike sooner...I am sick of her flaunting her superior tacos in my face...oh, and buy some Swedish fish."

"It's like passover...only not Jewish."

"Uri and Pablo are plotting against you." ES "What is this...a Spanish-Russian conspiracy?" Me "Don't forget Wong and Pierre." ES

Lucia C.

"Did you put the dimensions of Aubrey's ass in there?"

"I'm doing embroidery for revenge."

Jeff B.

"You'll be ok if you don't gnaw on the window sills."

"I've always enjoyed my organ."

"I like to get as close to myself as possible." Jeff "Yes, we know." Christina C.

Aubrey L-Y

"Her ass is a 10...on the Richter scale!"

"I flung a piece of sausage at the Jewish guy and he ducked and screamed "ah! Devil's meat!'."

"They're only your friends if they want to play with your bat and ball."

Kylie J.

"I'm afraid of heights! I don't even like to stand up!"

Teddy J.

"I forgot for a minute how pants worked."

Idaho State Safety Inspector

"Did you know the stuff in your first aid kit expired 14 years ago?"

Caleb T.

"It's not stealing until a jury of 12 convicts and even then it can still be appealed."

Jade S.

"I hope if we resort to eating each other it's not for dessert."

"God sent out his holiday newsletter."

"If anybody dies today, I'll be pissed!"

Adam S.

"God sent me this beautiful bunt cake. I'm supposed to share with everyone."

Andi

"Who's the guy in the tall hat? Ronald Regan?" Andi "What kind of tard are you?" Elizabeth S.

"If I had to think before I spoke I'd never get to talk again!"

"I have no problem with public speaking...it's the shutting up part that gives me trouble."

Me

"I'm always getting thrown into bottomless pits!"

"I like you like I like an embarrassing rash."

"I need a Yiddish spell checker."

"And I was feeling all self-esteemy and everything."

Christina C.

"I've known Maaike for two years and I've only seen her cry once." "Sweet! If something happens to you, I'm dating her!" Nathan T.

Mandy M.

"I have hundreds of items in my freezer... all of which I will tell you about right now."

Ben S.

"I don't need to ask Maaike; she loves me, she'll let me do anything."

Joe M.

"You and your stupid happiness!"

"It's kind of sad when your own eyes glaze over when you're talking to yourself."

"Nothing says 'I love you' like chewing on your eyeball."

Katie W.

"Nothing's worse than finding a redneck in a cave."

"I can come down here, watch people make out...feel all lonely inside."

Rob C.

"It's just a part of me dying inside...that's all."

"'My computer crashed' is the 20th century version of 'my dog ate it.'"

"Talk to me as you slip down the slope...not when you hit the bottom."

"I've upped my blood pressure medication...so there should be no beatings...hmmm...hmmm...there should be no beatings."

"We are the avant garde...we are the front...we're cool."

"There are many, many Shakespeare festivals, but no Marlowe festivals."

"It would be like our children's children's children taking all they know about us from a fragment of the Declaration of Independence, some letters from Jefferson, some episodes of "Friends" and a receipt from Shopko!"

"Yet another reason not to go to jail."

"They think Noah's a rap artist."

"That's actual math. The 15 potato rule."

"They'll put heads on pikes!" Rob. "And enlightened things like that." Brian "I, only, am allowed to make the jokes, Brian." Rob.

"Morose Chekovian Dipshits."

"The Greeks designed LAX--the book doesn't even mention it. But I...I know."

"I think since we know Oedipus, we can say [Hurricane Katrina] is [Bush's] fault."